herlucidlife

I playfully asked God if I could contact you. Immediately I felt a little tug at my gut that said, “sure you can.” Needless to say I did nothing. Every time I asked God in the past the answer was always no. It shook me a little that I felt a little “yes” slide my way. What would I say to you? The truth? Or play it cool? I have no clue. Honestly, the feedback I received scared me. I’m nervous to seriously ask because when I ask God a question the answer always entails action. There must be a response on my part toward God. 

Perhaps speaking up would be the very thing needed to set me free from the fantasy in my mind. When I’ve asked for permission to seek clarity it’s allowed reality to shine brighter. The question is not an actual question as it’s more of a statement of feelings. Stating the truth can be the biggest way to set oneself free. I feel free while hidden. Hidden from the truth of you. I could either hurt myself more or walk in the way of setting myself free. I’m assuming you won’t accept anything I give, selfishly looking for a hard truth to further push me away from you. 

What if the thought backfires? Crazy how I want you while looking to be set free. The reality is I’ve become used to your absence and look to further deepen that absence with solidification. I say all these heartfelt words filled with emotion when the reality of you being in my life feels a little suffocating. Suffocating because I like to overthink things. Regardless, I think God gave me the okay to say something to you. But why? Why now? Why allow me to reach out when I was not able to before. I trust His answer while I don’t fully want to attach the direction to God but perhaps to my own desire of the heart. 

What would I say to you? Something simple like, “hey ___, you’ve been on my mind and I wanted to reach out and see how you’re doing” Maybe that’s too casual. Perhaps being more honest would work like, “hi ____, I haven’t stopped thinking about you since we broke up and I pray for you and your family, I wanted to tell you that you are deeply loved.” Everything just sounds either cheesy, too lovey dovey or too relaxed. I never consider that I am thought of by this man so I won’t even think about what is going through his mind. If he even has room in his life to drag me into his thoughts, I doubt he’s wrestling with what he would say to me. 

Asking God again and over again and making sure it is God and not me, I will sit on God’s answer for days to be certain it is Him. Regardless of the words, if God is not orchestrating this absolutely nothing will come about. I will do what He says only.