herlucidlife

The other night I was very down on myself. Looking too much at my body and not enough on how great it feels to be alive in this body. When I was in active addiction I used to fear death because my relationship with God was rocky at best. I was scared of the eternal decision God would make in regard to me because I knew that even though I loved God my life was not reflectant of that love. I was constantly walking in a sea of fear because I was doing things that could actually end my life while being completely disrespectful in my relationship with God. I once heard, we all have a relationship with God whether it be good or bad. 

At that point in my life my relationship with God was not good. Lukewarm. I would read my bible for three months consistently then fall off for months at a time. Making sure I sounded good in bible study, my life was not showing any good fruit. I would sing in the choir just to get high as a kite or go sleep with the guy I was dating right after. I was ushering in the church, moments later to rebel. I was doing everything to quiet the Holy Spirit. Having been baptized at twelve, I was not ready for the life God calls His children too. I was still enjoying a very worldly life. As I got older, as I began to see the wreckage of my own making, as I began to read God’s Word, the more my soul was grieved. 

The more I felt pain, sinning became excruciating to my existence. So much so that I couldn’t enjoy it because I knew God was calling me home. The call became louder and louder, I couldn’t ignore it and eventually I didn’t want to ignore it. The last relationship I was in was worldly, looking for “love” because I wanted validation, earthly acceptance hoping it would fill a void. The void only grew deeper, nothing about the relationship was enjoyable because I was forcing myself to sin against my will. If you’re an addict then you know that eventually we began using against our will. We wanted better but our obsession and compulsion to use drugs was stronger than us. I didn’t want to have sex anymore, I didn’t want to be linked to someone who didn’t love God. 

Yet it was my brokenness that attracted them and it was my brokenness that enabled me to receive the attention. Walking through, being brought out of that situation, I learned I want God more than comfort. It showed me I had outgrown myself, especially the evil desires. My intentions and motives were unhealthy and self centered. Having a little over two years clean I’m no longer a hot mess, just simply a mess. I still fight against my skin when it wants to rage. I still fight against ugly thoughts. Instead I fight with God. I prayed, I went to a meeting, I wrote out my step work and mostly, I came to my safe space. The greatest blessing is that God is with me at all times, the moment I utter His name I feel safe. 

He is my safe space, even when I was doing things I shouldn’t have been doing. He allowed me to come home. He made a place for me, He rejoiced when I came to Him. He rejoices all the more when another one of His children comes home too. I don’t need to know the impact these words have, my only responsibility is to speak and live them out daily. With that I am at peace in my Father’s Home.