herlucidlife

Love. It takes months for me to tell a guy I think he is cute. I watch a man for several months before I work up the nerve to speak. It’s never an instant move on my part. Half the journey is watching while the other half is working up the courage to do it. I often think, “ if you don’t speak soon you’ll miss out.” Blessings are only missed through disobedience. I pray before I talk to a man. I ask God if this is someone I should be speaking to. Sometimes God will say yes and other times He may say no. The times He said yes were not so I could be in a relationship but because I needed practice in actively working through courage. 

My eyes are always on the lookout. My heart is constantly awakened to the thought of my person coming around the corner at any moment. I grew up with the idea that men should approach women. It took years to let go of that ideology. There are moments where it still feels unnatural to approach a man first, yet I do not allow that to stand in the way of finding love. I look for you the moment I enter the gym. Telling myself to stop looking and focus. A little smile comes on my face when I’ve spotted you. I ask God to bring me closer because flying too close to destruction has always gotten me burnt. 

Sneaking glances in your direction all throughout my workout, the obsession goes deeper into my mind. Crazed, out of my mind. There’s a woman that loves you deeply. I often think of her when my mind wanders to you. I would hate to think another woman was looking at my man. Believe me when I say, I do this against my will. Guilt and shame feel the bones, I’d gladly rip you out of my mind, something about it feels comforting. Twisted, staying in my own lane thoughts are too much to handle. I long to be rid of you! I started something in my head and when it’s born it is hell removing the ideas and fantasies. 

All over the place, perhaps none of this makes sense. I always thought a woman like this would be ruthless but now I see she’s broken and hurt. Looking for love that seems to never cross her path. I’ve begun the pity party so I’ll end off with this…there’s nothing right about my thoughts regarding this man. I will continue to fight through these emotions and get to the other side with care in my heart for all involved. Matters of the heart run deep but they don’t have to be heartbreaking.