herlucidlife

Begging God to remove you from my mind. Tired, fed up with obsessive thoughts. Opening the front door Mimi wanted to go outside. Thinking I need to talk with God instead of looking at my phone. Standing on my balcony, watching Mimi sniff around. Rolling her little body on the wood, looking up at the sky…I let the honest truth fly out of my mouth into the night air. You were listening, I could feel You were listening to me. I obsess over you before I even made my interest known. I was painting scenes in my brain of intimate things. 

I warped reality way before I knew of your truth. Letting my interest known, the reality was you are in a relationship. Nothing felt worse, I laughed it off because the pain didn’t feel worth feeling. Deep down, I felt lonely all over again. The worst part is my mind is already comfortable with the idea of you and I. Wrong, backwards thinking. Standing on my balcony begging God to remove the attraction because I feel so weak in the moments. Loneliness flooded my heart tonight. I went to a NA meeting to share about the emotions inside. I can no longer fester, it will simply bring more trouble onto myself. 

The sad part is thinking of you helped me move forward in no longer wanting an ex-boyfriend. Not a healthy way to cope with moving on. I always seem to be attracted to the man who is unavailable. Exchanging glances at the gym…horrible. Horrible because my heart and spirit are grieved, my soul is yearning for removal. Giddy because that slight glance is the most exciting thing in my love life in months. Desperate and pathetic, standards under the floor of hell. What happened? I wasn’t doing that well but it was better than pining for someone that was taken. 

My friend knows about you. They whisper to me, “you never know what could happen.” I can not sit on that logic with comfort. Seems like I’m praying for a downfall while hoping for my come up. Trifling, I can not believe it. Pushing those words out of my mind, it’s not right. I know it’s not right. Distracted, difficulty focusing throughout the day. Ruminating, I pray  the thoughts be taken captive that they obey God. Instead the thoughts take me captive, then I’m back at square one. Seems things can not always be as easy as what my head wants to believe.