herlucidlife

I can’t stop looking at you. I do my best to not sneak a peek from across the gym. Having approached you earlier in the year, stated you were in a relationship. I took the rejection gracefully. Seems not that graceful if I’m still looking. Catching your gaze across the gym, I’m not the only one looking. Forbidden is a dangerous fruit. Not taking the thoughts lightly, I do my best to take each one of you captive and force it to obey Christ. Something I have to do daily. What’s wild is the thought of you helps me feel like I’m moving past the last love. An odd version of “going under someone to get over another.” 

Unfortunately it never works. It’s only a temporary fleeting distraction that does not remove the hole in my heart. I saw a video that reiterated what a friend told me about the heartbreak I’ve been feeling. I needed someone to explain to me what is going on inside my mind. Nothing logical but somehow what he said made sense. The video backed up exactly what he had told me. You miss me. You miss me but you’ve done me wrong and don’t believe you could just call me. You’ve bought into the lie that you have to do more or I won’t accept you. I don’t have to accept someone I never let go of. 

I never let go of you. I’ve been holding your spot. I did my best to move on and somehow every encounter either never began, ended horribly, or I was removed from the situation all together. In the end, it was God and I together. It hit me today that every time I asked God about us He never said no, He only said “focus on yourself.” Neither yes or no came from His mouth. Back then I was assuming “focus on yourself” meant no but I’m thinking what if it meant “not yet?” I miss you too. I never want to admit it because it’s stupid. It feels stupid to miss you. I don’t have any face to save, I’m out here naked under the eyes of God. Exposed, bare body to the sun I can’t hide how I feel. My friends hear it a little too much but the only one that can do anything about it is God. 

Pride mixed with obedience keeps me from impulsively doing what my heart wants. I don’t want to mess up the plan God has. On the other hand, I don’t feel I should be the one to reach out when I did my best to keep us together…you cut me off. You don’t read my words, though I hope you would and I hope they bring you closer. There’s nothing to fear here, my arms and heart are open to you. Foolishly, I want you to come back. I look for your return like a father waiting for their prodigal son. I love you. It won’t be how it was before but I’d be willing to give great effort to build something beautiful with you.