herlucidlife

Watching my dear friend teach his tumbling class. Listening to the words he told the girls, he said, “the cage is open, will you walk outside the walls you built.” Some days are harder than others. My thoughts hold me captive a lot. In turn I tend to stay in a cage rather than busting out and truly living my life. I’m learning what kind of life I want to live. I move deliberately and gingerly through experiences. While other times I am spontaneous and rather reckless with my decisions. My life is safe. I give great effort to choosing better and healthy activities today. 

My daily habits have been whittled down to the nuts and bolts. No fluff, very few distractions, simply meaningful things are left. Things that bring great transformation and change. Actions that grow self esteem, courage, and likability within myself. I didn’t like myself because I was not doing anything that was commendable. I wasn’t living the life I knew I could live. Nothing having to do with money, material things, or attention. I mean I could not consistently choose to be healthy. There was no effort toward doing the right thing consistently and when “motivation” wore off I was back doing the same broken behavior I’d always done. 

I’m learning that loving myself and liking myself are not rooted in affirmations, it’s rooted in consistent daily activities that build up a strong human being. Strong not because I am but because my actions are rooted in my relationship with God. I began to take myself seriously when I began to take God seriously. I began picking good things when I stopped constantly seeking evil desires. I was always looking to “feel good” when the reality is doing the right thing does feel good even when it’s hard. I was hoping God would remove the toxic behavior yet He did me even one better. He gave me the strength to let go of the outward behavior and the compassion to look internally at the root cause. 

God has been revealing some heavy things inside of myself. Thought processes, ideology and characteristics that left me broken and ashamed. I couldn’t look God in the eye because I wasn’t even looking myself in the mirror. Constantly running away from who I was, no self esteem because I never stayed around long enough to gather an idea of who I was. I began walking out of the prison I built, slowly. The process has been grueling. There’s never a day where the work stops. No rest days, whether the work is physical, spiritual, mental or all three in one day. I know God is doing good work on me and in me. The greatest gift was when I came to the end of myself and God was standing there. 

Nothing left to give, utterly depleted, ready to die scared to live or die. I had no other options. God was all I had, have and will ever need. Life saver, way maker, miracle worker. It’s amazing to see how He allows me to be consistent, moving out the way… God needed room. Room to do what He does. I didn’t just need outward situations and circumstances to be removed, I needed an overhaul of my entire being. Life has done a one eighty, still moving ahead. I will continue to break out of the cage and fly in the way of the Lord.