herlucidlife

Off and on I thought about you today. Excited for another innocent exchange at work. Nothing too heavy but it’s enough to send a giddy spring down my spine. I’m scared to fantasize too much, it’s never worked in my favor. I’m nervous the other shoe will drop like maybe you’re in a relationship or maybe I’m making it all up in my mind and you’re just being nice. I’m tired of it not ending well whether the ending is sooner or later, starting over is draining. I’m hopeful but that hope is rooted in God and not in you. 

I look forward to getting to know you from surface level to intimately and I’m not talking physically. Don’t get me wrong my mind has gone there but I reel it in because I don’t want to fall into a dark trap. My fantasies can enable me to want too much too soon. It ends up putting pressure on myself and the other person. Before my main goal was a relationship and I would force them sometimes. My goal now is to be. Can I “be” in a relationship without needing to “do?” I’ve always been the one to feel like I need to do something to obtain a man’s love. My mind is conditioned to thinking I need to earn a man’s love rather than simply being myself and allow that to be the reason I am loved. 

Having stayed up all night, I haven’t been racked in the brain like other times in my life. I’m actually changing, my mind is finally relaxed. I’m not obsessed about what happens. Am I hoping it goes a certain direction? Yes! Yet I know whatever happens will happen and I don’t need to force anything. I have faith I don’t need to do more than simply be. Be me. Be who I am. Be what I love to do. Be the girl that chooses to live differently from the world. Be the girl I know I am. Be the girl that doesn’t allow a guy to change her. Be the one I am. There’s something so special about being and in turn you will be who you are. 

I want you to be. To be you. To be the man you want to be. To be comfortable in your own skin. The biggest thing I’m looking for is comfort, comfort with each other. An organic connection. I’d never force myself to be friends with someone, so why have I done it with romantic relationships? Something about it already feels natural. Only time will tell and best believe I’m looking for His answer. Either way I’m excited about genuinely liking someone and actually interacting with that person in a normal way. I have a really bad habit of trying to find things I don’t like so I can run away whether that be physical, mental, spiritual, or all of the above. That’s not a picture of acceptance. 

Instead, I’m allowing myself to feel the feeling. Not be scared but excited. Overall simply enjoy the ride, let things fall where they may.