herlucidlife

I keep looking for reasons to reach out and then I go back into my bubble of doing nothing. Nothing because my emotions confuse me so much. Watching tv, going to N.A. meetings, looking for “signs” to bridge a gap. I’m making moving forward hard on myself because I refuse to let you go. Driving down the street from Taco Bell I got this overwhelming feeling that it’s okay to let you go. I have moments of clarity like this all the time. It finally hits that I can let go knowing that it sets me free. Empowering me to be accepting of what God has down the line.

Sadly, sometimes those moments do not always last long. Right back at square one, I have no clue. I’ve been pondering the thought of what complaining looks like. Deep down I don’t accept there’s no “us” because I don’t like it. Yet, who am I to say that it should’ve been different? Who am I to question God’s plan? I’m nobody, yet God is more than merciful to listen to my broken heart. He sits with me as I long for you, and He picks me back up to continue the journey without you. Thankfully and gratefully God sees me as someone, so much so that He calls me daughter. 

He knows how I feel about it all, I do my best to not continue in the storm of it. I googled you again and this time I looked hard and long. Oddly, I was angry by the time I clicked off. It’s easy for me to get mad at you for the way you treated me, yet you deserve the same amount of empathy I give myself. I’ve treated many wrong and there are some that are still very angry with me. Yet I never felt any less like a child of God for those mistakes, and your mistakes make you no less a child of God either. I can not fully move on if I don’t let go of the anger and replace it with empathy. 

We never realize how toxic we are until we see first hand the damage we caused someone else. That damage has collateral damage that affects others we had no contact with. You’re growing and changing just like I am. God is bringing hard truths to your doorstep. Things that will change you for better usage in His kingdom. God has never neglected growing His children into His likeness. We keep moving forward, we keep doing our best to please God. To be approved by Him is hard work and we’ve answered the call. I’m proud of us for moving ahead in God’s direction, I’m thankful that though we may not be together, we serve The Most High God who never leaves. 

Yet and still I think, am I willing to risk it all? Or do I play it safe by staying in my lane? The “what if?” kills me but so will the disobedience if God is saying no. I don’t know, so I do nothing at all.