herlucidlife

What is love? I’m guilty of going off emotions before it becomes an action. Overthinking has kept me from deeply enjoying being in love. Fear of rejection, I stay surface level in an effort to not get hurt. Avoiding pain does not avoid pain. I’ve seen avoidance create a path for pain to find me even quicker. Fear halts the love that would naturally pour out. Thinking, “what if my actions will be rejected?” “What if I’m not doing enough?” So many thoughts going through my head, none that I speak because even that feels self-deprecating. Deep down I’m looking for validation, something that has led to so much lack of self-esteem. 

New love creates nervous energy in my bones. I kind of hate it yet it also lets me know the person it’s directed toward is a good choice. What makes me the most nervous about love is the possibility of it ending. I want every romance to last forever and perhaps it’s yearning that pushes it to end too soon. Love isn’t safe unless it’s with God. There’s always an end even if that’s in death. High expectations have been the death of my joy. Expectations have enabled me to look for too much. Feels like I’m rambling but I think I come in with expectations in an effort to sabotage something that could be good. 

I know when something is wrong, it’s a gut feeling, happening right at the beginning. I don’t need multiple dates or even one date to know it’s not for me. It’s the times when I felt it was for me that hurt the most. My love story includes a lot of heartbreak. Some of which could have been avoided had I listened to my gut. My gut isn’t screaming about this guy, perhaps it’s too soon. I get scared when my gut doesn’t speak, I need direction even if I don’t take it. Work is being done internally so I know I’ll use that gut feeling for direction, dodging additional heartache. I don’t believe I could take it anymore. 

Yet, I’d gamble the possibility of heartache for the exciting and then joyfulness of being known. Known intimately, not physically but cared for. To be known for who we are is the greatest beauty of love. It’s not the “doing” or the acts of service, it’s being fully known flaws and all and still the adoration and affection is deeper than ever. Can I obtain that kind of depth? Is it written in the cards for us? I don’t know, I’m not even sure who the guy is but that hasn’t stopped me from looking. Inquiring, the door has to open at some point and I pray you’re standing on the other side, whoever you are.