herlucidlife

Do I truly treasure God ? A question that has been lingering in my mind since Sunday service. I’ve been struggling with where I allow my thoughts to go. I’m either thinking about not being in a relationship or how I’m not doing enough to please God. Both thoughts are rather self centered. I struggle with being that person God is creating, my thoughts are out of control. Back and forth, to forth and back, always on the run, never quiet. It was brought to my attention that what I’ve been doing is complaining. 

I don’t accept life well. I often share with God my feelings, yet what if that honesty is really coming off as complaining? Grumbling because I don’t like what God is doing in one area of my life and in turn I take a stance of thinking perhaps I could do better. Though I’d never say that, the sentiment is essentially what I’m communicating. Not something I ever wanted to say or not say to God. Thinking my intentions were pure, what if they weren’t? What if I was telling God how I felt with the hope that He would change the course into my favor? 

Everything has already been worked into my favor, even the things I don’t like. With that said, I’m wrestling with being obedient and allowing it to bring joy. Being obedient to God should bring great joy, honestly there are times in my life where I had no joy when doing the right thing. I struggled because I want to please myself and others more than God. My own strength is not enough. Turning away from a default is so difficult. The default has brought no comfort nor joy. Nothing has moved in the right direction and importantly keeps my thoughts from glorifying God. 

The most exhausting journey is the space in between my ears. Surrender, letting go are actions that my mind seems to run away from at all cost. It’s the mental practice of surrender that will help me live in the presence of God in a way that brings joy. I know God has a plan. He is Holy and Righteous and He never messes up. So why do I hold on when I’ve messed up every single moment of my life. God has always done what’s His kingdom and best for me. I will keep moving forward because I know my Father has great plans ahead.