herlucidlife

It took a toll. Got punched, I was not prepared. Mentally I was trying to prepare myself but nothing can compare to the reality of not having the center of my life orbit my earth. You were my sun, moon and stars. You made life feel safe and comfortable. The warm spot in my life I never felt alone with you. I grew up when you left. I learned about who I really was when I no longer had the option to rely on you. April sixth, twenty twenty-five marks the nine year anniversary of her death. The mother of all mothers. There were things I didn’t like but overall the positives far outweigh the negatives. 

Looking back the negatives were just hard truths I didn’t want to accept or sit with. The negatives were her telling me the truth over choosing to save my emotions. She knew how to make tough decisions. Holding her own in this world having gone through her own grief, she held me close always. What a love she shared. Nothing backwards came out after she died and years later, I think of her very highly. Oddly, I feel closer to her in death. I’m not sure she can see me but if so I know she is proud of the hard work I give to this life. The utmost I know she would love the love I have for God. 

She would be proud of how I allow His salvation to move through my life. Everything I received from her the greatest gift was love for God. I watched her serve tirelessly in the church, even when she could barely breathe she was in the church serving. She loved the Lord with all her heart, soul, and mind. She passed the love onto me. God’s gift of salvation is a gift, it’s the out working of His salvation in my life through sanctification that is work. For God said we must work out our salvation with fear and trembling. I’m thankful for the way she taught Christ to me. I was covered by her prayers, then covered by being chosen by God. He kept me when I didn’t deserve it and still don’t. I’ll never deserve His love. 

The goodness is that I experienced God’s love through her before I could ever comprehend His vast love myself. My life is so different today and if it had not been for you being a true living sacrificial example of devotion to God, I would’ve never known how to come home. I lost myself when you died, God showed me the way back to Him and back to myself. I’m able to sit at his feet with gratefulness and grief in my heart. Up all night day break has come, something we did together often. We stayed up all night together, talking, laughing, singing, sometimes redecorating the house just to eat breakfast before we passed out for a day’s sleep. Your spirit lingers in my soul like a palpable touch on my skin.  

Nothing more precious than you. A little picture of you hanging in my cubicle at work. The thought of you has carried me through many days, while other times stopping me in my tracks. Held in my heart, I’ll never be able to not love you deeply. Deeper now because I understand the decisions you had to make now that I’m an adult. I see you so clearly. It hurt when your life ended yet now I see it was time, somehow with all the hurt it entailed God matched the details perfectly.