herlucidlife

I thought of you today and I hope I was thought of too. I tend to obsess way more than the average person. I talk to my friends about you. I need to share my emotions with trusted people. Why haven’t you reached out? Why haven’t I reached out? Two adults dancing around each other, seemingly more nervous than the other wants to lead on. I’m shaking in my boots a little but it would be nice to know I’m not alone in the cause. I don’t want to be the only one chasing, I don’t want to be left alone thinking I gave too much when the other gave nothing at all. 

I want love, so naturally I give too much too soon. I get a little impatient when I’m excited about a new thing. I remind myself that maybe the other is not as excited as I am. Or maybe trauma has caused them to be a little more cautious. I have a hard time being cautious with love, head first feet last. Love is like an all consuming fire and so many times I’ve been burnt, while other times I’ve been the one with the gasoline and lighter. I won’t imagine what’s going through your mind so I’ll keep it on my street. 

I am interested, intrigued, and you have my attention. I can’t promise it will be there for too much longer. I tend to lose interest when it seems the other is lacking. That’s fine, I don’t like hints but that doesn’t mean I don’t take heed to their direction. I’ll back off if needed. I haven’t reached out to you because I already made it so easy for you. I practically sat myself in your lap and said kiss me, so why does it seem you looked away unbothered? Why behave as though I’m not there? Assumptions are troublesome. I could reach for understanding. Truth is I stay on my side because I don’t want to be undone. 

I don’t want to control the narrative. I don’t want to force a situation. I’ve done that so many times in the past and deep down I never fully enjoyed the experience for what it was because I was trying to make it into what I thought it should be. I don’t want to do that with you nor anyone else. I don’t even want to do that with myself. It’s growth because I want you, I don’t need you. I don’t need you to fill a void, I don’t need you to give me attention so I feel important. I don’t need you to validate me. The love God and I give to me is more than enough. The care I receive from friends far outweighs the love I’ve received from all the lovers combined. There’s nothing you could give me but you.  

So I sit, focused on my own lane and just maybe you’ll reach out. Regardless I know, I am more taken care of then the birds in the sky and with that I sleep too well at night.