herlucidlife

Eating more than I wanted today. My mind is completely irritated with the selections made today. Food. Not all fuel is created equally, while some nurture others break down. Busted, I started off good but by the end of the night I was eating until my body spread into a little balloon. Utterly disappointed, I could have simply thrown away the leftovers and saved myself the agony. My mind wouldn’t let go, I was forcing myself to eat when I didn’t want to. Wild how my mind can demand me to do something, make me think I actually want to and even find some “happiness” while performing the act. 

Sitting on the floor of my apartment, having already eaten today, there was no more space in my stomach. Leftovers chilling in the fridge from the night before. Plans for dietary success set up for the week that will allow my body to take a breather. Pain has been piercing my stomach every night for four days. Something off, my body speaking, “you can no longer eat like this.” I can no longer keep making these decisions. I have a choice today, I don’t have to force myself. Sitting on the sofa, trying to stretch my torso back to create space to breathe comfortably. 

Sincerely praying for God to remove the defect that keeps me in this ugly cycle. I ask God to allow me the strength to act on surrender, gratitude, and patience. To not act in greed, gluttony, nor sitting in a mindset of lack. To operate out of restraint instead of excess indulgence. Another one of my shortcomings that often leaves me feeling dreadful. I remember coming to the end of myself in active addict and I often find myself in that same space when it comes to food. Feeling my body grapple with the discomfort, not knowing what could happen. Dangerously living on the edge. 

Unhealthy food is a drug that is just as deadly as cocaine. People overdose everyday just as people are dying from heart disease and obesity every minute. Yearning for something different I hold myself back with this wretched thought process. Broken and bruised, asking God for relief. I don’t control these shortcomings but I can offer them to God and ask for the courage to behave on spiritual principles. Disobedient, my body is screaming at me, “WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?” I thought when I stopped using drugs I stopped trying to kill myself, seems I’m still playing russian roulette. Death isn’t the action, it’s the thoughts. Every action begins with a thought and mine have been keeping me stagnant long enough. 

Slowly I’ve been changing for the better and I look forward to continued growth and freedom.