herlucidlife

A friend of God. I’ve always had a hard time thinking of God as my friend and He as mine. Father, Savior but friend felt too common. Yet I can not go against something that is biblical. Truth is I had no clue how to be a friend to God. He is absolutely a friend to me and so much more, while the role I play has always been abandoned. Obedience was only prioritized when easy. It was brought to my attention that I was ignoring the ways God has called me to be a friend to Him. The biggest being obedience. I can not be a true friend to God without obedience and furthermore that obedience is fueled by holy fear. 

Holy fear and obedience have always been things that are first to go when I’m dating a guy or if those urges creep into my body, I walk away to feed the evil. Intimacy is true friendship. When God is not the top priority our relationship suffers greatly. So many times I’ve walked away from God due to pleasing people or pleasing myself and in turn I could feel the distance between God and I. The moment I sin I can feel the void created, almost like the lights being switched off. Immediately I feel the light go dark in my spirit. My spirit is grieved because it no longer holds the Creator close. 

I continuously broke the relationship and friendship God and I were creating. Everything would stay surface level because I never stayed around long enough to make sure it went deeper. God has done His part while I kept flaking on my part. God’s faithful love is pure, yet where was my faithful dedication to Him? God is steadfast and always devoted to the cause, so where was my devotion to Him alone? It was nowhere to be found. It was under the naked body of a man. It was seeping through my eyes as I watched porn. It was being sucked out of my body as I gave myself over to the drugs. It was put on the shelf while toxic thoughts prevailed. Nothing left to give God but brokenness. 

Over and over again I came back to God more and more disgusted with myself. At the very moment I felt good, thinking I can handle things on my own. I’d fall flat on my face subject to the sin I so greatly hated. If only my holy fear was as high as the blood lust for sin. I couldn’t shake it without Him. I was void and bare. Empty. God refills me everytime. I’ve dedicated myself to God over and over again. After a while I got tired of walking away. My mission right now is to do my best by God only for today. To be the best friend I can be to God only for today. I need Him. The air I breathe comes from His lungs. The Spirit that lives so vibrantly in my skin is His. How could I ever disrespect Him? 

I did, I have, and I dread the day that perhaps I will again whether known or not. Yet just for today God is the highest priority.