herlucidlife

There’s nothing more disheartening than knowing God could excuse you from the gates. That perhaps all the times you behaved like a “good Christian” were no good because He never had your heart. I constantly look at myself with a fine tooth comb. Allowing myself to lay naked before the Lord. I never want to hear, “leave I never knew you” from Jesus. Unfortunately there are believers and Christians who will be turned away because Christ never knew them. Meaning they were never a friend of Jesus because they were disobedient when it suited their agenda. 

There’s no way I’ll spend eternity with God if I don’t begin that eternity whole heartedly here on earth. I always thought I was not a good Christian. I was so wrapped up in what it should look like that I had a very hard time actually giving my heart over to God. I was so focused on “doing” that I wasn’t allowing God to change me. It took all my adult life to make room for God in a real way. It took dancing with sin over and over again to realize I can no longer do it anymore. Nor do I want to do it. Nothing is appetizing about breaking God’s heart, yet somehow I did it over and over again because I was too scared to be shunned by people. 

I would drop my panties because I was too scared to be left alone. I would give my body because I was too scared to stand on the foundation of God’s word. Constantly putting myself in harm’s way out of fear. Once I stopped being scared I realized the truest freedom is found in knowing God has my back. I can do what God says and know it’s right without needing others to cosign. I lived as though I was ashamed of Jesus when He has saved my life countless times. I no longer walk around ashamed, it takes practice and dedication and I don’t do it correctly all the time. Yet I now know my heart is in the correct place, my mind is being fueled with the right things, and there’s no one or nothing on this earth more important than obeying God. 

I know I’ll fall again and I’m simply praying it’s not because I didn’t fear God but perhaps it was a blind spot I was not fully aware of yet.