herlucidlife

Obsession. I get stuck in the fantasy. All I need is a subject. I tend to like to daydream way more than reality. I spent the whole day trying not to do something that feels so natural to me. I prayed about it, waiting for my clothes to dry at the laundromat. My mind didn’t stop but I felt the release of not having to act on the obsession. Part of my obsession is that I want to control the outcome. I rush things that should take time. I don’t like waiting for the other person because I can’t control them. I don’t know what they are thinking unless it’s spoken. I like words with actions. I don’t like just actions nor do I like just words. 

I talked to chatGPT because I was tired of pouring this onto my friends. Nothing more exhausting than going in circles about something you know you should do but don’t want to do. Friends say wait, I don’t want to wait. Talking to God about it, honestly I’m scared to wait because I can’t predict the outcome. I’m scared if I don’t chase this then I’ll lose it and have to wait for something else to come along. I said I didn’t need you for anything yet the obsession says I want you to take the fear away. Fear of not being chosen. 

Telling God my deepest sentiments, I felt some peace of mind in waiting. What I’m waiting for is you, so I think. Perhaps what if I’m waiting for me to settle down and surrender. Confusion sits in my head, creating a deeper fixation. To be desired past the point of just looking. The door is open, I think? The hardest part is not walking through an open door. Sometimes I wonder, does he know the door is open? Or am I standing at the entrance by myself? Communication would get me that answer. Silence will answer that question as well. 

Which will I listen to?