herlucidlife

I love talking to my friends about new love interests. They give me the courage to stay the course and be patient. I get excited and with that I get too comfortable too fast. I get too personal too soon and then I scare the guy off because it’s too much. I’m learning to move slowly, give little doses of myself. I wasn’t always like this. I used to go with the flow, I knew when to give a lot when necessary. Now it seems I give too much out of fear. 

I’m fearful of having my emotions be unseen because in the past I felt misunderstood like my love went unnoticed. Overtime I began taking the reins. I began love bombing, I began walking through love scared. When did fear become a love language? Did it begin after the heartbreak? Did it happen after the hearts I broke? I’m not sure when it switched but I don’t like the need to control love. I want love to wash over us like an enchanting chemistry. 

Unlearning control is very difficult. I walk around with little scenes of us. I can see us at the laundromat together. I can see us at your place, curled on the bed watching tv. In my big t-shirt, I walk to the bathroom, you’re still on the bed. Discussing what we want to eat for dinner, I mess with my twists in the mirror. Making your way from the bed to the bathroom, sliding behind arms around my waist. Your face in the crook of my neck, warm lips on the back of my neck. Turning face to face, body to body, held close only our heart beat between each other. The warmth of our lips in sync, moving slowly. My mind switches to a different scene. 

At work, seeing each other on break, nothing long, a quick exchange you hug my close. Work appropriate. Sneaking a little kiss on the cheek as you walk behind me going back to your desk. Sweet, refreshing. Your voice is like a soft raspy gravel that wraps my soul into a warmer state of being. Seeing you is like watching the sun come up over the ocean. Simply hearing your voice in the distance sends excitement through my body. Something I can’t fully put my finger on while I want to be engulfed into the flame of who you are. I wait patiently still. Nothing too much, I keep my full attraction under wraps. You don’t seem to scare easily yet the toughest of men have been fearful of heart felt things. 

So I take it within my safe space. Kept, held together, understood even if not fully seen. I shouldn’t let the scenes continue but they keep me so warm at night. They also propel my impatience to new heights. Deep down I know I’ll always continue to fantasize about you, even after things grow. You’ll be the apple of my eye until you say you no longer want to be.