herlucidlife

Listening to Jhenè Aiko to pull the sentiments out of my mind. I wouldn’t say my heart is in it because that would be crazy right? There’s a twinge of sadness when I write these words. Therapeutic sensation of the keys going up and down on the keyboard. The sound soothing the space between my ears. Scenarios going through my mind, some of the first date and others down the line, months from now. Nothing is real. The only real thing I feel is the pinned up energy in my skin, holding myself back from doing the thing that feels so natural to me. 

I listen to others way too much. I like to give the illusion that I’m chill to the guy when really I’m raging obsessive loon, wanting to control every outcome. I have a hard time letting go. Once again I’m chasing love to fill something. Some days I feel so full while others I feel empty and hollow. I look for a man to fill that void and to be honest I’m not even sure what the void is. “I’ll take some rain with my sunshine” Jhenè Aiko. I’ve been missing something for years now. Something that is imaginary, not real but can only be felt in the soul. It may not be a person but a feeling I used to feel all the time. One day it was gone. 

Something is missing and I don’t know what. I do my best to fill the hole with healthy things, I thought I was allowing God into my heart. Something is missing, perhaps if it weren’t missing I wouldn’t be so consumed with adding you to my life. You have more than enough on your plate. My days are too full while finding space to simply breathe. The sadness creeps back in. You could pacify my sadness but you wouldn’t be able to take it away. Truly I’m not sure how long it would take for God to fully remove the sadness. Would the sadness need to be fully removed before love finds me? 

“I’ve been missing you for ten thousand hours, I can not let go of ten thousand memories” Jhenè Aiko.