herlucidlife

I asked God to open the door. I asked God to open the door to you if it were in His will and to close the door if it was not. The crack in the door kept getting wider. Listening to what friends thought and trying to hear God’s voice was the hardest thing. I couldn’t hear God’s voice until I stopped listening to what others said and began looking at what I needed to do. Talking to one last friend, doing my best to quiet the voices in my head. Having prayed over and over again. It finally hit me.

God opened the door but I was refusing to walk through because of what I thought the man should be doing. I wanted the man to approach me yet that thought process is rooted in arrogance and ego. He’s already shown he was interested. I merely needed to give a genuine okay. Gaining some courage from a dear friend. I put my fear aside for a  little honesty. Sitting at Torchy’s Tacos with my bible study group, having drafted a  little message earlier in the evening. Clicking onto the notes app, I copy and pasted the message into the SnapChat app and sent my crush a little honesty. 

Phone on do not disturb utterly scared of what he would say, almost looking for him to say “not interested.” The opposite happened. He was more than interested, almost excited and it made me excited. I missed how exhilarating it can feel to like someone and they like you back forreal. Chatting back and forth, nerves rushing through my body with every chat sent. I can believe what I can not fathom. I look forward to hearing from you. I get nervously anxious with joy when I see your screen name. Flowing freely, I feel comfortable right now. 

I tend to get in my head and alter how I am when who I am is the reason the guy liked me in the first place. The goal is to be exactly who I am because only God can change anything for the long haul. Coming into my own, accepting myself regardless of others. Something I struggle with at the oddest times yet at this moment I feel utterly desirable and beautiful because of all the work done on the inside. The greatest thing is the process is ever changing and moving forward. With every day I look forward to the person I become and the people I will affect in the process.