herlucidlife

I need a weight lifted off of my shoulders. Thing is I put the boulder there. I put the pressure on myself by constantly going back and forth in my mind. I use absolute terms because I’m an all or nothing person. I have a hard time living in the gray of life. But true humanity is gray. Being human is not all black and white. Housing light and dark. I miss something I used to have. Yet when I look back, I could never accept the relationship for what it was. I was always looking for what I thought it should’ve been. I wasn’t willing to allow it to be what it was supposed to be, What was it supposed to be?

I’m not sure. Since I didn’t experience what it was supposed to be, and was not coherent enough for what it was then what did I really miss? Questions I ask myself, what am I really chasing? What am I hoping to find? Love? Can I truly give what I’m looking for to someone else? I suppose I would like to give it my best effort. I’m fixated on a guy because there are no other guys around me. I’m consumed because I’m so scared to lose something that’s not even mine. I’m preoccupied because I’m having a hard time trusting God with it. How can I distrust the author? 

I didn’t ask God to do anything when I spoke with Him earlier. I didn’t look for direction or for Him to make a way. Simply knowing that He was listening was what I needed. Crazed, out of my mind, I sit in the silence of my thoughts, trying not to lose my crap thinking, “wow I’ve actually managed to stay in my lane.” Mimi curled on the couch next to me, her little eyes closed as my fingers flew over the keys. Her tiny paws crossed over each other. I think, “I wonder what he’s doing?” It seems lame, stupid and childish. I’ll let you know if I’m able to hold my ground and do what I said I was not going to do.