herlucidlife

When the days get quiet. The sun goes down, the rain has slowed leaving a cool night breeze sneaking into the apartment through the patio door crack. Something so painful sits in my heart. I look for reasons to be happy. Answering questions on the daily inventory list. The questions about being happy and joyful throughout the day are very hard to answer. I have moments of happiness, peaks of joy but nothing that lasts the day. I have a hard time identifying with happiness and joy. I feel peace, serenity, and calm but nothing that I consider to be happiness and joy. 

Happiness when something specific happens that I like but not happiness at the sheer fact of living a good life. To me that’s peace. When did happiness, joy and even peace become fleeting emotions? Perhaps I shouldn’t write these words so late at night yet the reality hits every single night. Laughter creates spaces in my heart, friends give me more than enough love to keep going through and often I forget about the emotions when they are around. Yet they seem to sneak back in like they never left, perhaps it faded to the background for a moment. 

I do my best to keep going. God has allowed me to choose healthy over unhealthy. I stick to Him closer than before. I don’t desire to run away like I used to. God has been allowing His grace to carry me through these emotions. I write them with His goodness flowing through my fingers. Sometimes these words don’t feel like mine but rather Him revealing things that lay unknown. I love living in truth and awareness today. Things I had a hard time in the past, I would run away from the truth in the most diabolical way. Doing my best to ignore the hurt inside but nothing is covered up anymore. Everything is out in the open, no substances are covering up the emotions I worked so hard to cover. 

I no longer kill myself to cover up my emotions, instead I live through the feelings and allow them to pass. Thankfully they passed away. They ebb and flow, come and go and through it all I live confidently through. Go to sleep knowing the emotions will be better the next day and if not God will give me the grace to move correctly.