herlucidlife

We were doing well. Enjoying the conversation, enjoying the energy created between us. I didn’t realize you were faking. I thought it was genuine. Flowing, not missing a beat. The messages stopped suddenly. I gave it until the next day, nothing on my line. I reached out because I was worried, thinking perhaps he was hurt in the storms from the night before. You replied, the other shoe dropped. You couldn’t get over the last girl that did you wrong, so you had to put me down. Now I see I was never picked up. Immediately my heart dropped. Sank to the floor, it hasn’t been lifted all day. 

Having to read the message over and over again I couldn’t believe what I was reading. Why did it have to happen again?! I thought I was so careful this time, he gave all the correct signs of being interested but that was a lie. I’m such a hopeless romantic and I allow every guy a clean slate, I was hopeful like finally it happened. It ended before it started and the sad part is, I still want to talk with you. I want to know you’re okay. Is that selfish? You can’t give me what I need and I can’t possibly just be your friend because I like you too much. Eventually I’ll want more and you can’t give it. 

I don’t want to play victim, I did nothing wrong this time. Every other time I did too much, but I was chill. I did just enough. You said it was okay, that I didn’t have to be nervous. I wasn’t scared of you, I was scared you were going to leave and you did. You left because you weren’t healed enough. You took on something you could not fulfill. It hurts because you could have spoken up at the beginning. I get it, you thought you could make it through. You thought you could shake off the feelings from the past person but you couldn’t. I’ve been there before, crying over the person that cared nothing for me to then miss out on the one that did care. 

I want him to be well. I’m so mad! I’m literally so upset because I want this love thing so badly. Nothing is going as planned, even the ones that look promising are ending. I don’t understand why. This time it isn’t me. In the past I was the toxic one but this time, no. It hurts a little deeper every single time. And every single time I get a little stronger.