herlucidlife

Walking around the apartment in a new pajama set my friend gave me. I felt sexy, a word I don’t use regarding myself often. Immediately the thought, “I need a man,” popped into my head.  The beautiful thing is immediately after I felt the opposite thought stick closer, “I’d rather be a well kept secret than a lustful attraction to anyone.” I sat with the truth that God loves me exactly how I yearn to be loved by a man. The last interest has ended, nothing to share. Yet I continue to look at my SnapChat story just to see if he’s looked…he has. I don’t like the feeling of being at square zero. I don’t like the reality of only being eye candy. 

Even a little bit of attention, though it’s not what I want. I seem to be looking for it. I no longer give my attention outwardly, I give it behind the scenes because I want to give the illusion that I’m not affected at all. Unbothered doesn’t exist with me. Yet, I’ve been noticing the more I remind myself of God being in control of my love life the more serenity I have at night. The more peace of mind I have knowing, I don’t need to do anything extra but just be. Truth is, “being” is hard enough. A dear friend and her little child came to visit me. I felt so overwhelmed with love I didn’t even think about that person. 

Matter of fact, I was glad to have the space free for the correct person. Filling my time with friends has brought more love. I pour into the relationships that matter and allow God to remove the ones that don’t. I knew that person was no good but I ignored it in hopes of something being better. I have to stop doing that, it’s dangerous and costly. I guess the love story behind this is…the love God has for me never ends, the love I have for myself is learned, the love friends have for me is in full effect, and the love I crave is pending. God has allowed the love for Him to overflow into other loves. I love just as much as I am loved, but no one loves more than God.