herlucidlife

I often think the man God has for me won’t want me if I have too much fat on my bones. That somehow the light God has placed within will be dimmed because my back isn’t completely bare of fat. Getting out of the shower, moisturizing, I told myself to have faith in God more than the man. Looking at myself in the mirror, more than stunning, it can be hard keeping confidence when I’m so used to putting that confidence in a relationship. 

Going through a learning curve. Love is not based on my emotions. Love is not based on how good I feel about myself at the moment. Love is based on actions. A consistent flow of good natured, right intentioned kind of actions. I love myself better now than I ever have in my life and I’m still learning my love language. I need gentleness and care. I’m learning to give myself understanding and not rush through hard emotions but sitting with myself through them. 

I need patience, not words but presence. I ask God to sit with me, not to do anything. I simply need His presence. I take time to process emotions because I’ve learned I’m emotional and feel very heavily and I need to be the person that knows how to work with emotions rather than suppressing them. I need laughter so I accept and embrace my sense of humor and laugh at myself. I watch funny t.v. shows to keep my humor alive. Looking good is really important to me, not based on the worlds standard but based on what I deem as important to me. 

Well kept, clean minimal clothing tucked into my closet. Finding joy in wearing simple outfits that breed confidence. I love to be attentive to my needs in a way that creates space to move slowly, be intentional and enjoy the quiet moments of life. God has allowed me to learn how to love myself. I deserve so much love, yet I deprived myself of the love I needed to give to myself because I was in a rush to get that love from a man. Yet when I truly began focusing on God I saw how the love I give myself is a direct correlation of the love God gives me. 

The love I give to myself is not selfish. God keeps me in check to make sure the level is healthy rather than damaging. For so many years I operated from an empty well, God has been filling that well so I can water and nurture others. I need a spiritual soul filling connections that can only be met with God. I intentionally seek out things that bring God to my mind. Prayer, reading His Word, listening to worship music, being around other like minded friends, and reading other books that allow me to learn more about God and my role in our relationship. I thought true love meant having pampering sessions but really it’s being aware of myself that I may care for the spiritual, emotional, mental and physical needs. 

The man will only enhance the love I give myself but first I need to know how to love myself. By doing the work of God, I can fully enjoy the man God has for me without needing him to fill a void only God can fill anyway. Love transcends time and I know that when I meet that person God will make up for the time I thought we lost.