herlucidlife

I’ve been taking a lesson in holy fear and I failed the first real life test. The muscle of discernment is very weak. I could barely hear the voice and when I could feel it I had a very difficult time listening to it. I was constantly looking for the advice of others in the midst of already having heard God’s voice. The ability to rest well in the heard voice of God was tremendously unbearable because I’m so used to acting on my own will with men that when it came time to do something different I could not. 

Desperately wanting to do something is vastly different from actually doing that thing in the reality of life’s circumstances. I was so focused on my yearning for that relationship that it overpowered the instruction of God. Looking back it scares me to think I was so willing to forgo my relationship with God for a man of my choosing. I choose the wrong men every single time. I don’t choose them based on the relationship they have with God or the lack of. I choose them based on the energy, vibe and emotions I feel when around that person. Dangerous game to play because what feels good can oftentimes be to my detriment. 

God looked over me still. I chose to not see the test, I was blind to God testing me. I no longer want to fail these tests, because though they are tests they could very well be the real thing. I don’t have enough strength to come back from another heartbreaking separation from God. I don’t have another spirit breaking encounter that leaves me completely shattered because I chose to mingle with the likes of the devil. I don’t have another one in me nor do I want another one. The sobering part is, it’s my choice. 

Obedience is a choice, so is disobedience for those that have tasted and seen the goodness of God and communed with His Holy Spirit. I have the full authority to either welcome or deny the instruction of God. I beg for the strength to accept His power rather than numbing it out with disobedience, rather lack of holy fear. I trust that God will grant this request, just as I trust myself to continue faithfully in the pursuit of God in all I do.