herlucidlife

I often question the posture of my heart when speaking about Christ. Pride can mask itself in being even more spiritual when really it’s ego hidden under legalism. I’ve seen my thinking shift to self-righteousness when I felt God removing outward behaviors. Granted the inward still needed a major overhaul. Yet it’s really easy to only look at the outside and ignore the inside. God looks at the whole person’s actions down to intentions, even the right actions with the wrong intentions go against God and vice versa. 

I pray for God to correct my heart and examine what needs to be changed. Humility and surrender have been very big lessons in my life for some years now. They’ve become even more prevalent in the last couple months. I have a hard time letting go. I do my best to control things that are out of my control. I’ve begun reading a book that has allowed me to look at the world in a whole new light. I try to control things that would otherwise work out perfectly without my input at all, so why do I think those things need my input simply because I’m aware?

Control is based on fear and lack of humility. Not wanting to accept that I can change only myself and even that takes humility because I can’t change anything without God. I’ve tried my hardest to go through this life trying to control my weight, my drug use, porn usage, people. Driving home from the laundromat it hit me that most of the decisions I make are fear based. Faith and hope are not default yet. Jesus says we have a hope in Him. I’ve been so busy putting my hope and faith in my own ability that I edged God out. 

When I focus on my own ability it fuels self-righteousness, pride and ego. It keeps me thinking I don’t need God and that others need to catch up. What a horrible attitude to have when I can do nothing apart from God. Yet those thoughts have creeped into my head too many times. Asking God to remove them, sometimes it’s more about living with them then the defects being removed. A greater testament of God’s faithfulness is when I feel the defect reeling but He gives me the strength to choose a spiritual principle instead. 

The inward construction is more difficult than the outward, yet I’m finding there’s more freedom internally than externally.