herlucidlife

Driving home from the laundromat I felt emotions I didn’t want to feel. Things underneath I wasn’t sure how to identify but something was there. Wanting to buy some unhealthy food thus spending almost down to my last penny. Praying to God to not act on the behavior, pulling into the Winco parking lot. I was not proud of the money spent but I was proud that I chose food that is beneficial to my body. Walking out the store ready to eat my purchase. I had to admit the reason I didn’t want to buy anything was because I’m scared to eat. 

I come very close to starving myself, very restrictive eating because I’m scared to gain weight. I’ve worked so hard to lose fat even if it’s a small amount. The greatest results I’ve seen are when I eat little to no food. Basically filling my body with fruit, veggies and one protein drink a day. I think about how my body will behave if I eat a little something when I get off work. I hate going to sleep bloated. I never want fear to rule my life but it does down to what I choose to eat. Looking at my body in the mirror, telling myself I am beautiful and look beautiful. I’m not perfect, there’s no perfection here but beauty can live greatly within the space of imperfection. 

God has allowed for me to work hard to form my body in one that is healthy, strong and capable. Things I once struggled to have. I no longer dress for the attention or approval of men but for the comfort and confidence of my own being. Ebb and flow, it comes and goes yet God has helped me stay the course and know that no matter what I’m doing all I can to be healthier. Thoughts are not facts and my mind can oftentimes tell lies. Yet I’m finding through the hard work founded in God, the lies are much quieter. The truth sticks closer than ever and I tell myself the truth because my hope and faith are in God no matter what.