herlucidlife

I’ve been looking into the career path I obtained my degrees in. Needing additional schooling is not appetizing to me. I’ve been going back and forth with the idea for years. Having been on the right track in graduate school, my mother’s passing halted my mind. I couldn’t think, my focus was all over the place and my mind was scattered. Barely finishing my course work, taking the easy way out I was able to drop some classes in order to graduate early with honors. The next seven years I would dedicate myself to constantly trying to escape myself and the grief screaming so loudly my only solution was to self medicate. 

Eventually, the question, “did I make the right choice?” floated back. Uprooting my life, growing wings to figure out what I needed in life, I threw all I had up in the air. Finding my footing in a new location. Once again I considered if I had made the right choice with my degree. Going back to school is something I desperately dislike. Thinking I could go back to school for a completely different career path, just five weeks into the course work, working a full-time job I dropped out. The mental load was too much and I found myself learning enough to pass the test but not learning for application. I felt like it was the confirmation I needed to shut the door on the idea. 

Finding myself entertaining the idea once more, my mind keeps looking for reasons to discard the notion. Surrender has been at my door tough. Finally picking up a book I’ve had for two years on the premise of surrender and how it changed an individual’s life for the better at every turn. I often wonder if God is getting my attention through this recurring thought to shift? Or do I simply want a higher paycheck? Money has never been a great motivator for me and though I can help a lot of people with the career path. I often cop out thinking I’m helping people with the job I have now, I don’t need to change. I’m learning that lack of surrender is disobedient. 

When I accepted the current job I have I took a little bit of a pay cut, yet I have more time on my hands. I’ve often wondered why God gave me this additional time. Surely it’s not to continue in my disciplined practices of bible study, gym, NA meetings and step work. Though healthy, foundational things, what’s the point of walking around with a full cup if I’m not pouring the overflow onto someone else. I give to those in my circle, yet perhaps it’s time to broaden that circle and see how serving even more can deepen my connection with God. At this moment I fear lack of comfort more than I fear God and it must change.