herlucidlife

I’m a hopeless romantic looking for the good in every man, in every situation. Yet sometimes being optimistic about someone does not take away the trauma response they behave in. I had begun to think that perhaps I could be friendly without there being any games but I was wrong. I’m not sure why I believe this thought process since nothing happened that let me think otherwise. 

He had always behaved in a way that seemed rather childish but I was willing to give the benefit of the doubt. Co-workers, our lives overlapped outside of work. Hanging out with mutual friends from work, never together but things were changing. Seemingly opening up a little bit more at work or so I thought. Sending a friendly SnapChat photo on an early Sunday afternoon. Left on read. 

I can never expect for someone to behave the way I would in any situation. Sometimes I find myself thinking, “I would never do that” or “I would never treat you that way.” Those things only hold true to me and the perspective I hold. Reminding myself that perhaps this person is behaving in the only way they know how. Perhaps that person does not know how to express emotion. Perhaps the chase is more important than the catch.

Either way, instead of talking down about him in my mind and to friends. I prayed over him instead. We all have baggage that no one can see. Hurt that hides behind a smile. Ego that chokes the kindness out of a simple gesture. Overthinking in every moment of my life, nothing is more painful then chewing on the idea of a new romance for it to never come to fruition. 

It’s beginning to happen more and more lately.  It’s less about the person and more about the overall tugging of my heart. I yearn for something that often feels out of reach because there’s no available person to obtain it with. It often feels very unimportant to those around me. I don’t understand nor can I fathom how some seem to be so unbothered by not having that special person. Or perhaps I’m too bothered.