herlucidlife

Sitting under the desk as the tornado sirens roared through the evening sky. The atmosphere is unstable creating massive amounts of fear, loss and excitement. Alarms going off inside the building. The air in the room was full of excitement, co-workers buzzing around taking shelter under desks. Most of us are on our phones taking a nice break from work. While danger whirls outside the window.  

Talking with a friend while under the desk, my mind was fully obsessed with a man that could not care if I were breathing. My dear brother brought a firm reminder to my doorstep. Discernment also means knowing when to remove myself from someone’s presence. Knowing when my presence is not being appreciated or valued. 

I had lost sight of how valuable I am in the midst of receiving crumbs covered in slight flirtation. I was hooked by nothing more than a couple nice words at work. I needed help snapping out of the rose colored glasses. Slapped in the face by some dear friends reminding me to leave this man alone. To stay the course of patience. I almost allowed myself to be misused at the “off” chance “love” could be available. 

I needed to close the door. I was waiting for God to do something when God was waiting for me to do it. I needed help. I hadn’t always been that way. Something in me has gotten very laxed when it comes to dating. It used to be easy for me to move on when things weren’t panning out and now I hold on way too long to men who aren’t even paying attention to me. 

It’s not about what I deserve but more so what I’m missing within myself that allows me to go for men I know God does not want for me. I settle for being toyed with instead of truly being pursued. I’m missing fundamental spiritual qualities that need to be cultivated, not necessarily for a husband but to simply enjoy life with God. I have a very hard time with simply being satisfied and content with God. 

I truly believe that I need patience, a deeper sense of peace with only God. I’ve been chasing something only God can fulfill and until I stop chasing and start being, I’ll never be able to really live life completely.