herlucidlife

Unwell. Reeling, mind running, jolting back and forth between subjects. Not feeling super great, my insides are melancholy. Hurts the ego to know the person you like doesn’t like you. It’s embarrassing to reach out and there is no reply. It seems ugly, feels hideous on a deeper unseen level. 

My heart perhaps a little bruised, though not wanting to feel so deeply. Sometimes it seems more like a curse than a blessing. I knew I wasn’t liked yet I was okay with the crumbs because what else was there? I belittled myself, went after someone that was not interested and hung onto the lie that left their lips. I hung onto the words “I’m very interested” yet ignored the actions not matching up. 

Nothing matched, from day one nothing matched. In the past I would have removed myself quickly, yet it took a couple months for me to get the hint. Friends listening to me whine about a guy that was clearly not interested yet I couldn’t see past the “what if” factor churning out scenes that didn’t exist. I was delusional, I don’t want to see reality because that means I have to be responsible and remove myself. 

Finally blocking that person, removing myself. The next day I woke up sensing tension in my mind. I struggle when there’s no one to fixate on, my mind goes into panic mode when I have no one to fantasize about. From childhood, the little girl inside would dream of her special person. As an adult daydreaming of a fictitious man doesn’t go a long way. I need a living and breathing human to make the fantasy potent. 

I signed up for the damage and continued to interact with it even after he had long gone. What does that say about me?