herlucidlife

I’ve always wanted a godly man but my compass has been filtered through lust and physical attraction. I say I want a God fearing man yet I abandon God when He points me away from the person I think I want. I was recently asked if I’m ready for that godly man? Carefully thinking about my answer, allowing the truth to sit in my heart. I had to answer no. 

I can barely accept the voice of God telling me no, how am I going to accept a human telling me no, who is led by God. I struggle with being patient when God says not yet, so how will I be able to listen to a human when he says not yet. I struggle constantly with following God, so would following a man led by God be any different?

I have very little contentment with me and God. I’m impatient when it comes to love and constantly go off my own wants when choosing a partner. I only consult God after I’ve become so emotionally involved that it’s almost pointless to even ask. Sunken. So many emotions in my mind swirling through my body. Processing is a process.

I often wonder what others say about me when I’m not around, a dangerous thought to have. Really none of my business. Woke up thinking about everything from finances, the absence of romantic love, emotions, my disciplined walk with God, the lust that seems to fill my body when my mind feels weak. What tears me apart are the things inside not outside. The hardest battle to overcome is the one within. 

I’ve never been more at peace when I’m without a partner. My spirit is at peace while my flesh is raging. Yet while in a relationship my spirit is raging and my flesh is at peace. The two have never been on the same wavelength.