herlucidlife

I googled an ex-boyfriend tonight. A man I thought was the person for me. This year and a half, I’ve had a very hard time letting go. Over the course of time I’ve looked him up three times. It helps me push the delusion out of my mind and accept reality. Sitting in my dimly lit apartment. Having felt heavy emotions all this week, I was feeling particularly vulnerable during this long weekend. 

Many men from my past have crossed my mind this past week, yet nothing in me wanted to look them up. Instead, I stood on my balcony. Feet standing firm on the cool wood, staring into a clear moon. Talking to God asking Him to release spiritual ties from men I created through sexual intercourse. Every man I’ve ever had a sexual interaction with crossed my mind as I felt the weight lift off my shoulders.

Bouncing back to the night at hand, this certain ex-boyfriend floated into my mind. Trying to fight the urge to google him, I found myself typing his name into the search engine. Directed to the Instagram app. The emotions were bittersweet. Bitter because I didn’t like that I needed to google this person to move on. Sweet because God further confirmed why this person is not my person. 

I’ve been infatuated and obsessed with the perception he presented. I never knew the real person. Furthermore, I’ve carried that warped view with me over this year and a half. I needed reality to show me the person I thought he was is not who he is today. Just as I’ve changed, so has he. The funny thing was I didn’t like what I saw nor read. It hit me that by holding onto the old person, I had no room to accept the reality of who they are today. 

I felt a release in my mind, further helping me to let go, accept reality and continue moving forward.