herlucidlife

As God cleans my side of the street. I’ve lived with filth for so long I almost feel out of my element living so simple and clean. I can’t believe how He’s working in the midst of my life while still removing things that are so ungodly. I still can’t fathom why He allows me to call Him Father. 

I’ve been looking at the list of persons I’ve harmed. The list is long, draining and overall heart breaking. It breaks my heart that I’ve done so much damage. It’s really easy to keep going through life and allowing things to sit in the background. Down playing the aftermath, justifying the reasons for the behavior, making myself feel good about how I hurt people. 

God has been using recovery to do the things I didn’t know how to do for myself. I didn’t understand the things the bible was telling me to do. I needed a different path that ultimately highlighted what God was telling me all along. Coming into the program I didn’t understand how God was operating through something that was universal. I thought reading the bible and prayer was all I needed. 

Yet God showed me it’s okay to get help through any avenue He brings me to. I was living so backwards. God is turning my feet straight. The scales are continuing to fall off of my eyes. I can be human, flawed and beautiful while still devoting my life to God. He’s helping me get right, eventually I need to make amends to these people. 

Only if it’s not damaging to those involved. Creating more damage is not my end goal. Unintentional damage is still damage, whether known or not I do not want to keep acting the same reckless way I was before. I was careless, only cared about my emotions, feelings and wants. Anyone else was in the way, living as though I should be the center of everyone else’s universe. 

Selfishness ruled my life. I’m learning to serve with no gain. Learning to surrender to the way of life. Letting go is a lot easier when I trust the One who’s in control.