herlucidlife

Yearning for inclusion and acceptance has allowed me to hold spaces that aren’t healthy for me. I’ve run with crowds that didn’t serve me because I wanted to be included. Very rarely do I get the yearning to use drugs. Honestly I haven’t felt the need to use drugs since I’ve been clean for a little over two years. The idea came when I once again found myself wanting to be included. 

Getting closer to people I work with, being invited to spaces with drinking and smoking involved. I found myself thinking about indulging. Scared, feeling a little on edge. The sensation subsided in the morning feeling empowered, by the end of the night my mind gets dark. Sensing some weakness in my recovery, it happened so subtly. Doing the right things consistently, something inside was off. 

I can’t imagine starting over but for some reason the idea is appealing and appalling. I may not be able to change the feeling but I can keep doing the right things. The group chat is live, a co-worker asked if anyone wanted to link up at Henry Hudson. Not knowing too much about the place, I asked about an estimated time of arrival. 

Finished my work out, heading home to clean up. The place was only seven minutes away, deciding to pull up and scope out the scene. Mind reeling as I leave the house knowing I shouldn’t be walking into a bar. Getting out of the car, excited to see some people from work. Am I making friends? When I came into recovery I removed myself from so many people. They say stay away from people, places and things. 

I thought I wouldn’t need to stay away from people anymore, it seems I’m attracted to a familiar spirit. Going back in time, it felt like college hanging with the gang. Relapse happens before the drug does.