herlucidlife

The posts are scheduled out yet the reader would never know it’s been almost a month since I’ve written anything. Living life, connecting with new people, accepting invitations to different environments. Haven’t felt like myself in so long. Yet I know it’s because I never really knew myself. The old me felt just as foreign as the one I live in today. 

I recognize the face but the inside seems changed. Altered by life’s circumstances and situations, some were out of my control while others were not. Experiences have shaped my perception of the world, as it has with most people on this earth. Shifting from an experience based perspective to a biblical perspective is more difficult than imagined. 

Sitting with myself in deep thought at work. Watching other employees go too and fro. Sometimes life seems pointless until I encounter a moment that has nothing to do with me. My sponsor told me I need to commit myself to service within a home group. I haven’t done anything toward that goal. 

Sitting day in and out looking at myself, I’m having a very hard time letting go. When I came into recovery rendering the drugs was a no brainer after witnessing the wreckage I caused myself and others. Yet surrendering the broken mindset, ideologies and toxic cycles my mind continues to filter through has proven to be almost impossible. 

I think I’ve surrendered just to find out that I can go deeper. The well of God never runs dry meaning the amount I can surrender is also bottomless.  Yet I realize that I’ve not begun to scrap the surface of truly letting go. Until I truly begin letting go, I believe I will stay stagnant in the torture I’ve created within myself.