herlucidlife

Honesty. Since coming into recovery, I’ve done my best to be honest. Being honest with myself began in active addiction. Stuck in a marriage I chose, broken down, I just could not keep living the way I was living. Having broken my ex-husband’s heart many times over. I had to stop playing the victim in order to be honest. Beginning my blog as simply a safe space to be honest with myself. I was completely okay with people not reading the words because they’ve never been for others. These words are for me to speak, read and heal from. 

I had to be honest with myself, with God and then with those around me. I had to break the illusion of the lie I was living in. I couldn’t keep hiding. Even unspoken truths can be felt through energy. The energy was off, the vibe was broken. Restoration was only possible with honesty. I completely hated myself. Truth be told I never knew who I was, high or not. I could never really pinpoint what felt genuine and sincere to me but I knew hiding wasn’t the answer anymore. 

Peeling back the layers of my onion. Slowly but surely seeing the cycles and patterns of toxic behavior. Toxicity has different levels yet it doesn’t make it any less poisonous. I was drinking my own poison everyday because I was believing the lies I told myself. God brought me to recovery so I could come back to Him. The right road can often be the long road. Yet right lasts forever while wrong is passing away before our very eyes. What is righteous will last forever but the ways of the world with its lust is withering away like a vapor of smoke, 1 John 2:17. 

I haven’t used any mind or mood altering drug in two years and four months. I have not watched porn in seven months. I keep falling for the same merry-go-round with men yet God saves me before the footing gets off the ground. I had made a plan to buy a vibrator and watch porn. I had it all figured out, I was going to make the purchase after going to an N.A. meeting. God met me at that meeting. The words being spoken from other recovering addicts and myself kept me from making a spiritual relapse. I don’t have to get high to be far away from God. 

I was one decision away from walking away from God again. One decision away from spiritual bankruptcy. I had pondered on the idea for days. Toying with the notion because deep down I didn’t want to fall back into that lustful cycle. My flesh said “just one time.” My spirit said “you don’t have to even if you want to because it’s never just one time. Do you really want to walk away? You know it’s not worth it.” I didn’t buy the vibrator. Instead I bought ice cream, not that great but at least I don’t feel spiritually broken after I eat a little ice cream.  

Even as I type these words I feel the lustful thoughts coming back into my head. The urge coming back into my body, hitting the most private part. Whispering to God for His sufficient grace to walk me through these moments. I know I don’t have to even if I want to. The lies say, “it’s okay to act on it just a moment. No one will get hurt and you can act like it never happened.” My soul will know it happened, my spirit will feel the distance and my mind will tussle with shame, guilt and disappointment. What’s sad is sometimes even the reality of the truth won’t keep me from trying the road again hoping it results in something better than disgust.