herlucidlife

I fell. I let my flesh, the urges inside win. Shared about it in a N.A. meeting, felt empowered to not commit the act that night. Funny how the mind can start over the next morning. Leaving my friend’s birthday party, the physical urge had subsided but the mental urge to purchase was stronger than ever. Walking into Walmart, going straight to the pleasure section. Identifying the item I wanted to buy, I got the attention of a team member to retrieve the vibrator from the protective case. Headed to the self checkout, giving my money for something that only hinders me. 

Trying not to focus on what I’d done, unlocking the door to my apartment. Getting off the phone with my dear brother around five in the morning. Fighting the urge for as long as I could, making my way to websites I shouldn’t be on. The deed was complete, my body felt lifeless as so did my mind. Spirit reeling, I did all the right things this time to avoid the downfall. The only thing I didn’t do was fully commit to the difficulty and allow the feeling to fade when it did because it did. 

I made a horrible decision, cats out of the bag. I never want to do it again so why do I do it again? I never want to choose the sin yet sometimes it feels like the sin chooses me. Even Paul said “for I do not do the good that I want to do, but I practice the evil that I do not want to do” ‭‭Romans‬ ‭chapter seven verse nineteen. I committed the act yet I don’t want to continue the cycle. I don’t want to practice but get back up and keep chasing after God. 

I had a spiritual relapse. Once the plan was in my mind it was hell getting away from it. I feel frazzled and disappointed in myself. The downfall in my heart lets me know I’m not too far gone. Sin may ravage my body but it doesn’t have my heart. I regret my decision and even the mindset I’ve dunked into, feeling like I’m drowning. Nothing is more sobering than the reality that I am not where I want to be. Even with all the remorse in the world my body is looking to steal another peak. 

I need God to help me do things I can not do for myself. I need healing from this and I know things are flushing out properly. It still hurts to know this kind of sin lurks underneath my skin. As long as I’m human it may always be there, yet I know I don’t have to practice the habitual action. Even as I type these words, the evil desires within are lulling me into the bed sheets of those on a screen.