herlucidlife

Belly full of ice cream, teeth feeling gritty from the sugar stuck on the enamel. Sitting in my dimly lit apartment on the floor, I’m having a hard time getting the words together. I’ve been marinating on Romans chapter seven, verses thirteen through twenty-five. It completely explains the struggle with sin. I feel seen, heard and understood through the words of Paul. He understands that the flesh is ruled by sin and the spirit is ruled by God. 

I’m trapped in a tug of war. A battle in between my mind and skin. My mind is owned by heavenly things while my skin fights against itself. I have a hard time thinking and breaking down what Paul is saying in my own words. Yet every single day I wake up my spirit and the unspoken energy in my flesh understand exactly what he means. The back and forth. 

The battle seems to be over then it kicks up again. Some days I win while other days I lose terribly. Feeling like I’m repeating myself. The battle is life long, and though God has overcome the war. The goal is to keep moving closer to God. It is hard to fully understand the magnitude of my sinful earthly nature. The depth reaches to the molecular level, something I can’t change. 

I’ve been changed on the spiritual level. Jesus Christ has saved my soul. As I move closer to His likeness it heals the body as well. The body is not fully healed on this side of earth, meaning I will always struggle with the sin stuck in my humanity. Feeling like there’s no way out. Sitting on the sofa the other day, mind reeling, I uttered the words, “I can’t wait to go home.”

I miss heaven. A place I’ve never been nor seen yet somehow my spirit misses it. I yearn to be home. To be with my Father. I do not like living here, being full of this sin that makes my stomach churn yet somehow my skin urges toward it with every breath. I have to suppress the evil desire with the desire of the spirit. Holy fear is low. Some days it’s high while other days it feels like I’m barely scraping by. 

I yearn to be gone from this place. Yet I know that it’s only God’s design when I leave. I do my best to move slowly, enjoy every part of life and do my best to shine His light wherever I go.