herlucidlife

For some certain sins don’t seem as bad. To God all sin is measured with the same amount of death. My evil desires weigh on me so heavily. I often allow them to take the joy out of life. I know I’m covered by His grace, there’s still a weight on my shoulders when sin occurs. Every night for the past three days I’ve indulged in watching porn. 

Watching against my will. Watching because the urge was so strong felt as though I no longer wanted to fight it. Sitting on the idea for days, I’m off, not well. Sick, sin is a disease of the mind, body and spirit. I don’t want to be sick yet it’s something I can’t be removed from until the appointed time. 

Even then God says nothing is impossible with Him. Meaning walking away from temptation and sin is absolutely possible with God. Yet I chose my bodily urges. I could see the downfall so clearly, I could see the fork in the road. I didn’t have to but I did. There have been stronger urges in the past, so why? 

Why allow the evil desire to overtake me when I allowed myself to deny it before? Was the power within stronger just a couple months ago? I don’t always understand what’s going on inside. What I do understand is that I continue to pursue God regardless of whether my actions make sense or not. I tripped up, chose the wrong way, and went into a hole.  

Seven months was the longest I’ve ever gone without porn since I was seventeen. Three days is the least I’ve gone on a porn binder. Though I keep falling, the abstinence is getting longer and the usage is getting shorter. Seems progress is happening in the midst of it all.