herlucidlife

Is it an obsession when something will not leave one’s mind even down to dreams? James chapter four verse four states, “those who are friends with the world are enemies of God.” I look to be included with people that entice my evil desires. I know I shouldn’t want to be included nor yearn to be invited to hang outs knowing it puts me directly in the face of temptation. 

I’ve woken up from violent, gruesome dreams ever since I watched porn. Spiritually numb watching my phone as if I don’t have my own world. Melancholy. Dysphoria. I have trouble being satisfied, like I’m looking for something. Restlessness. Moments of ease are not lasting. 

Leaving work yesterday evening the sky was painted in clouds of gray, blue and peach. God created another masterpiece. Hand holding the steering loosely. Barely getting over a speed limit of fifty-five, slow cruising down the highway. Mellow lofi jazz beats coming through the speakers lightly. Coolness sat in the air of my car. Inching closer toward home, veering to the gas station. 

I didn’t want to go home. Nothing in me wanted to sit in the house. Driving with no destination, darkness covered the land as little creatures hit my windshield. Mind running, one thought after the other. Nothing shut off yet somehow I was able to feel at ease for a moment. I’m learning the greatest mental reprieve is not shutting off the thoughts but being at peace in their presence.