herlucidlife

All through the day I felt insecure about where my life is. Sometimes I feel as though I should be doing more, especially when looking at others’ lives. Comparing my life to an ex-boyfriend’s social media post. Immediately I felt as though I was missing out on some kind of lifestyle I don’t even want. Immediately I began looking at my life, praying to God asking, “am I doing enough Lord?” 

God brought only one thing to my mind that I need to be doing, something I’ve been procrastinating on. In the two years I’ve lived in the city, God has continuously brought to my mind going back to school for mental health. I have two degrees that go toward the field yet I’m not using them. Allowing money to stop me.

God brought it to my mind over and over again. Thundering, lightning, rain flooding the earth. Mimi running underneath the sofa. The lights flickering on and off. Turning the lights off, grabbing my laptop, pecking away at the keys while connected to my personal hotspot. 

Without thinking my fingers pulled up my respective college websites to request transcripts needed for certification application. Suddenly comparing myself to another faded away. Sitting outside earlier today, I heard the sentiment, “if I’m so concerned about another then I’m not doing the work needed in my own life.” 

My life may not look like the next person’s life and that’s exactly how it’s supposed to be. I don’t want what the next person wants out of life thus the way I move looks different. My lifestyle creates a unique situation where my focus is not earthly. I forgot to remember he and I didn’t want the same things out of life, nor did we truly understand each other. 

God removed that person, thus that person removed me from their life. As the days, months and years progress I see so clearly how hanging onto the wrong person can be the greatest hindrance. I was signing up for something that would have undone me without even knowing it. I was signing up for a relationship that only had a perception of including God while underneath it  was far from Him. I was rescued and though I still deal with the emotional and mental effects of the removal. 

I see so clearly how going forward is the only requirement. Continuing to move through the days, doing my best to make the right decisions further ingrains the need to let go. Accepting new things, new people and new places of course with discernment. Something I’m not good at. Peace came into my mind when I began focusing on all the good things God is allowing me to experience. The greatest of these is love for Him and myself. 

Internal growth is hard, staying away from drugs and living a productive life is an abnormal way to live for an addict. Constantly in recovery I understand nothing is more important than taking it one day at a time.