herlucidlife

I love when God shows me He sees, hears, and understands exactly what I need. All day Friday the song “He Always Provides” was in my head. Feeling low, thoughts swirling like marble designs. Wild how the most painful things can be the most beautiful. Driving to an in-person N.A. meeting. Changing the playlist selection from jazz to worship. I needed some edification.

Pushing shuffle on one of my favorite groups OneHouse. Immediately the song “He Always Provides” began playing. Tears streaming down my face, it was exactly what I needed. Walking into the meeting, people greeted me with hugs and statements of “I’m so glad you’re here.” Settling in, listening to the speaker for that night. A young woman in recovery who had never shared before, spoke life into the room. 

The overarching theme of her share was God provides. Again God was telling me He is providing. I am seen in the lowest, the highest, at all times God sees my heart. Taking a break from the day, falling asleep on the floor. My mind feels a little more at ease. Nothing in my life is out of place. Having ended the comparison game, it only took refocusing to get my mind back to the task at hand. Living and enjoying life without the use of drugs. 

Driving home from church, my mind is uneasy with peace. I always say, “I love peace” or that “I’m enjoying a quiet life.” Truth be told, my mind does not know how to compute peace and calm. I had gotten so used to chasing something to feed the emotional pain I was feeling. Constantly looking for something to make me feel better. I lost or perhaps never fully obtained the capacity to be truly at peace. 

I don’t chase the next drug anymore. I’m not chasing a man. I’m not trying to create toxicity so my victimhood can feed. The game is mental, spiritual, having very little to do with the behaviors. As the behaviors are simply an outward manifestation of what is in my mind, rather the emotions and feelings. Yet there are times when I find myself rubbing one out to feel physically relaxed because my mind won’t. I still buy little snacks and ice cream from the store looking to feed an instant gratification because my emotions need covering. 

I have a hard time just sitting with the emotion because it seems to never want to disappear. The opposite happens, in an effort to cover up the emotions I actually make them worse. The negative behaviors create even more unmanageability thus creating more heavy emotions toward myself which creates more feelings to filter. I’ll be honest, I’m not ready to let go of everything yet, for a period of time sure…but forever? I’m not there yet.