herlucidlife

Speaking with my sponsor about some of the behaviors I’ve been acting on. It was brought to my attention that I have not been doing everything I can to not act out. I was doing the bare minimum. Working the twelve steps toward these behaviors is what I need to create room for God to do what He does. 

Before I came into recovery I thought I could read the bible enough, pray more, and attend church more and that would relieve me of the human deformity. Yet God showed me that He can use any tool to mold His children. Through the blood of Jesus my spirit is free and healed. Forever grateful for the work done on the cross, I remember the blood Jesus shed. I needed it, I was guilty and He paid the cost. 

I still need God’s help with the humanity inside. Physically my body and mind are under the rule of sin. Addiction is sin, I like to call it an idol sometimes because it often came before God. Yet I was so confused on how to truly take that idol down and put God back in His rightful place in my life and heart. I knew I loved God but my actions said I loved everything else more. 

Everyday I feel my humanity wanting to interact with the old ways of living, with the old coping mechanisms and sometimes I fall badly. God is so gracious! I guarantee I will never ever deserve nor be worthy of His love. What’s diabolical is that I want to watch porn right now. Sickening as it is, God showed me the more I can do to let go. Admit these coping mechanisms make my life unmanageable. Admit that I am powerless over these actions. Accept that I need God’s help to do for me what I can not do for myself. 

Make a searching and fearless moral inventory as to why I do these things. Break down the walls and understand the emotions behind the actions. Share this information with God, myself and another human thus releasing the power this stronghold has on me. Further dive into the exact nature of this wrong behavior and how I’m hurting myself by continuing these patterns. Also keeping in mind that if I’m hurting myself I may have also unintentionally hurt others. Become willing to make amends to myself and create action steps on how to make amends to myself thus not living in this way any more. 

The process is long. Truth be told I’m tired as hell. Yet God carries me through the wilderness of this life. Constantly turning up the heat, refining, shaping. Allowing things in and out of my control to mold me into a better person. My life is a tool for His glory. I thought the fire had been turned down when the heartache subsided. Yet I realize it was simply time to dig into the spiritual and mental fire, all my focus is on this overhaul. A life long project, I’ll fail many times over in ways I can’t even imagine. Yet one thing I know for sure, I will keep running to God over and over again.