herlucidlife

Tossing my vibrator into the trash. Recommitting to the cause. Walking through Walmart at ten o’clock at night looking for ice cream. Nothing will soothe the dirty feeling I feel. Eyes feeling numb and tired driving through the streets. Mind bouncing from one thought to the next. Making my way back home. My first action was to toss out the very thing that keeps me sick. Having a vibrator in the house is like trying to hold onto weed without smoking it. The question is when, not if. 

Scarfing down the ice cream, feeling the cool sweetness bring me back down to reality. It’ll take a couple months to feel whole again. I admit that I am powerless over porn. I feel as though I can’t control myself. My spirit wants to stay away while my body wants to indulge desperately. I need God to restore me to sanity. It’s completely insane to keep ingesting something that is toxic. Not watching goes against my natural sinful urge. It’s like telling myself to not drink water but learn how to live without. 

I know I can live without it. I’ve seen how it adds nothing to my life but turmoil, unmanageability, insanity. I know God is great and can do all things. Will I create room for Him to do those things in my life? Felt like I was simply ignoring the urge and white knuckling it until I couldn’t anymore. I’ve never fully put the program to porn. I’ve listed it underneath my step work but I haven’t worked the steps just for it. I feel it is time to begin. 

There’s always another layer of healing that needs to take place. As God molds me, I’m always becoming someone while also being undone.