herlucidlife

I threw my vibrator in the dumpster down stairs. The crazy part is I had thrown it in the trash in the apartment. I felt the craving and emotional baggage that comes with starting again. Dug it out of the trash can, washed it off and did the deed. It was horrible, the feeling of disgust welled up in me so much I felt the urge to cry during orgasm. 

It reminded me of the days when I would get high just to get low, crying while smoking. Digging weed out of the trash can. Looking out the open window, feeling the cool evening summer breeze on my skin. Nothing could take away the sensation of inadequacy and sorrow. Those same emotions came flooding back tonight. Muscles clenched feeling the release fall over my body like a weighted blanket. 

The body senses relaxation while the mind grieves slowly. Asking ChatGPT what the effects of porn usage were. I hit every defect like a hammer on a nail. Been watching porn since I was seventeen. Fourteen years of constant usage. My mind wasn’t even fully developed yet it was already being rewired by the screen. Back then I loved watching. It wasn’t an escape but a destination. 

Intrigue and yearning turned into a prison. Out of fourteen years the longest I’ve gone without porn is seven months. I began working step one on my addiction and my sponsor is helping me through the process. Breaking a sweat from screwing myself over, hoping in the shower. I used to think if I showered it would wash away the pain inside. 

Interesting how a clean body can almost make the inside feel even filthier. I’m chasing something through the screen but I’ll never catch it that way because it’s a counterfeit. Listening to the same jazz lofi beat on repeat for over an hour. I’ve been doing that all weekend, listening to certain songs on repeat. Almost like prolonging the emotions the song creates. Sharing about it in the evening meeting. 

Growing up I thought freedom was being able to do whatever you wanted to do. As a child that’s what it looked like the adults did. Experiences and heartache have shown me the greatest freedom is being able to do whatever you want and still choosing the correct action. I’ve been choosing the incorrect action, hoping it would yield better results when the past has shown otherwise. 

Pecking at my laptop, eyes low, body exhausted. I’m emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually tired.