herlucidlife

The theme today is connecting to myself. In active addiction I was so disconnected. When my mother died, my identity died with her. Her presence was a warm space in my life, and when she left it went cold. I didn’t know who I was without her. Other people told me who I was because I had no clue. I desperately tried to find a “new normal” yet that way of living was gone. There’s no such thing as a “new normal” because life is always shifting. 

I had no clue how to build a life without her so I drowned. I drowned in alcohol, weed and porn. Alcohol and weed helped me feel light. I never felt alone when I was drinking even when I was drinking alone. The people on the tv were my friends. I was too hammered and sad to allow myself to be close with others. I was close to those that condoned my using but even they didn’t know how much I truly consumed. 

I had no clue who I was when I came into recovery. I remember what it felt like before I began using drugs. It felt like that girl had died a long time ago. I was the walking dead. Spiritually hollow, fitting the mold of who others thought I was. I was a shapeshifter. People would say, “just be you, be Naje.” I couldn’t because I had no clue who she was. The person I was behind closed doors simply wanted to die. I hated myself but I couldn’t escape her. I did my best to drown myself and barrier all emotions and life but I was too scared to pull the trigger. 

I walked into recovery, completely hating myself. I realized I couldn’t escape myself so I had to change, change was the only way I was going to enjoy life. Outward change was important but the change on the inside has been the greatest miracle. I went from hating myself to speaking life and truth. I went from calling myself ugly to beautiful. I went from poisoning myself to doing my best to give healing elixirs. I went from running away from work to running to it. Doing the work to heal is not about what I can do, it’s about creating space so God can do what He does. 

Any growth that has happened was not on my accord but on God’s. It took a long time for me to identify as God’s child because I wasn’t behaving like it. I was the child that walked away from God. I’m also the child that came back, God ran to me and rejoiced. I was the child that kept messing things up because I was too scared to let God have full reign over my life. I was the child that kept running back to sin’s destruction. I knew God was the only way yet I was too scared to give my all. Now I see God was simply going to give me more than I imagined when I gave Him the little I had. 

God has granted me with more than I could have asked for. He has granted inner peace, a deeper connection with Him and myself. Deeper beauty within my mind. Calm in the storm. Gratitude for the small things because really they’re the big things. Acceptance that life is exactly how it’s supposed to be especially the things that hurt. Surrender because I no longer have to fight life, I ride the wave and allow it to lead me closer to God. 

For the first time in my life, I identify as a child of God. Not because the fact ever changed because when God chooses He doesn’t change His mind. The only difference is I stopped fighting against God and working with Him.