herlucidlife

Arrogance and ego can lead to relapse. This topic has been in my head tough lately. True relapse is on a substance or any addictive behavior. Furthermore God has been weighing on my mind that arrogance and ego can take me out of His will. Relying on my own will, relying on my own understanding can allow me to make decisions that do not include God. 

Having a certain amount of clean time and changing for the better can create self-righteousness if not careful. God has given me the grace, space and time to truly do the work He has assigned. God has led me to do things that create space for Him to do the heavy lifting. Yet sometimes my mind likes to forget that. I like to think it was my hard work alone that did the miracle. 

Humbling myself, remember that it was only God’s grace that allowed the change. I was speaking with a fellow recovering addict and something they said got me thinking about the perception we create about ourselves that can either create space for God or shut Him out. I’ve been looking at my own self talk, looking closely at the perception of myself. Arrogance can oftentimes stem from a warped sense of self. Perception is not nearly as important as reality. 

In reality, I am a child of God that is doing all she can to maintain the arrested state of the human condition. I have a hard time getting out of my own way. In recovery we say the disease of addiction is insidious, when in reality the disease of addiction is simply a broken mind. The mind is insidious, it is resilient and cunning. My mind is both my best friend, enemy, comfort and torture chamber. It houses both truth and lies.   

It doesn’t matter how much time I have in God’s family, it doesn’t remove the sting of sin in my humanness. No matter how much clean time I have from drugs the option to use again is always available. Staying in God’s pocket is humility. Waking up everyday accepting that I need Him to do life and godliness. I can not live a godly life without God. I’ve tried, believe me it doesn’t work that way. 

The road that God has me on requires that I do certain things everyday to make sure I am living the godly life He requires of me. I know if at any moment I stop doing those things for any length of time, I will slide backwards away from Him. Humility is the beginning of surrender and acceptance. Humility is the beginning of confessing my sins, speaking Jesus is my Lord and Savior and the torture He endured on the cross for my sins. Humility is admitting I need God to change me because without Him my efforts are in vain. 

Humility had me seeking a new way of life because the old way was killing me slowly. I was committing suicide slowly. Instead I tried killing myself with drugs, food, and porn because spiritual death is real. I don’t take for granted that God is doing the heavy lifting. Matthew 11:30 states that “For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Though what God may command of me is difficult at times, the spirit will always be light in His presence. The burden of this world is heavy and deadly.

I have to remember without God, sliding back is always possible.