herlucidlife

Been doing my best to stay away from websites that house sexual content. Some days are great while other days I fail horribly. The past couple days have been a huge struggle. Powerlessness is eating me alive. I lean on God yet I take the reins back because my body wants to fold. My mind likes the comfort the images bring. Wild how comfort and turmoil can live in the same house. Nothing more painful than doing something against your will because the evil desire inside won’t let up. 

Curled up on the floor, writing about the powerlessness and unmanageability I feel with porn. My mind wouldn’t focus. Having prayed and read my bible my mind would not let go of the action, nor would my body let go of the urge. I kept cycling over and over, obsession. Compulsive because it’s hell letting go. They say you can never get high if you don’t take that first drug. Well I keep watching. My brain is hooked on the screen, things in my brain are being rewired, yet I keep undoing the process. 

They say in order for brain chemistry to change one must abstain from unhealthy things. I was doing good until I wasn’t. Rambling talking in circles, truth is I know it can happen. I need to let go, can healing happen even if you don’t let go ? I’m not sure it works that way. I do know that one day I’ll let go, do the work and lose the desire to use. Even if that day isn’t today.