herlucidlife

I’ve been daydreaming recently, though it is my coping mechanism for being single. It keeps the love growing while continuing the difficulty of being content without you. Resting deeply on Sunday, home all day. Peace flooded into my mind, I felt whole and content. The value of you as a man came to me in the stillness of my home. 

Hearing the breeze trying to brush away the heat of the summer. Air conditioner running tirelessly, nothing feels better than being at home in my own space with Mimi my cat. My little bean brings comfort and holds space that is genuine. Having moved my bed to a different position in the room, laying down to simply relax my body. Rubbing my feet together pleasantly. 

Dreams running through my mind, you made an appearance. Nothing overly stimulating just enough to peek encouragement. In the past I would veer off course in an effort to find you. Experience has taught me that I’ll only find you on the correct path, so I too must stay the course. God’s gifts aren’t on the course of sin but they are on the straight and narrow course that He has paved intricately. 

The more I write about you the more I feel absurd and rather ludicrous. I thought writing about you would bring some kind of healing, perhaps even moving forward with a clear mind. Yet at the end of it all I consider the danger of giving too much power to someone that is pretty theoretical. Faith is believing in something and someone unseen.

I believe in God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit. I’ve never tangibly seen the hand of God yet his love has never left my side. His guidance has never been deeper in my heart. I hold hope not because I can see this man but because I have a hope in God that is unseen. This man is unseen and he feels very known. The amount of hope and faith I have is not from me. Believe me I would have tapped out a long time ago.

There’s a yearning bigger than myself that keeps the hope alive. I’ve often wondered why I haven’t been able to simply let go. I don’t think it’s me that’s holding on. I think it’s the God inside of me that is giving me strength to further hold on hope. Is that safe to say? I’m not sure. 

My mind says take the words back then I say stand on what you said because it’s fear that wants to double back. 

I’m not fearful of holding out faith, I’m more fearful of releasing it and not experiencing the fullness of the gift.